Without question, breastfeeding has been the most surprising, painful and disappointing aspect of becoming a new mom. I attempted to nurse within an hour of the c/section, and she seemed to do well. I knew that it would be a while before my supply came in, and it turns out that it was longer than I had thought. Each of the baby-nurses at the hospital were helpful even if they sometimes offered conflicting advice. Me, the ever modest person, was often seen naked from the waist up trying to nourish my daughter during her first days of life. It wasn’t uncommon for the lactation consultant and MTB to massage, pull, tug, and pinch my breasts while the baby nursed and my mother and yet another nurse watched. At one point, the lactation consultant scraped my breasts with a plastic spoon gathering the tiniest amounts of colostrum to feed the baby. It was crazy, and it was painful. Friday night, MTB let my mother stay in the hospital with me while he went home to get some much needed rest. Everyone kept telling me that this was normal, and that everything was okay. Saturday morning, after another night when I was unable to satisfy the baby and she cried for hours, I asked to supplement with formula. The baby-nurse supported my decision, but as she left the room to get the bottle and formula, she asked if I preferred Similac or Enfamil, and since both are crap so it really didn’t matter. Talk about guilt? This was just one more thing that I had failed to do as I wanted, but now I was failing my daughter with my inadequacies.
The bottles at the hospital have nipples with a flow that could choke an experienced wino, and the baby didn’t tolerate the bottle well. She choked up as much up as she kept down, so the lactation consultant showed MTB and me how to finger-feed the baby using a syringe and tube, which worked great since it allowed us to feed any amount of colostrum/milk that I managed to pump in addition to the formula. I wanted the baby to associate me with nourishment so I never allowed anyone else to feed her, and it takes both me and MTB to feed her using this method. The syringe also only holds 10 mLs, and she was eating 60 mLs every 3 hours, which means that it took forever to get through the feedings. This was not going to be a long term solution.
We were discharged on Sunday with orders from the pedi to feed as much into the baby as possible to stop weight loss. All babies lose weight, and mine lost 11 ounces (or 10% of her birth weight), and he was concerned. At that point, my breasts were so sore, raw and red, that it hurt to breathe much less try to nurse. I managed to pump, but only on the lowest settings and for no more than 10-15 minutes at a time. Sunday evening, my milk started to come in, and as of Tuesday morning when I write this, I’ve managed to pump just over an ounce. That’s 1 ounce in 36 hours – not enough to feed a baby who has trouble keeping up her weight by any means. Monday afternoon, I got in touch with a local lactation consultant, and she suggested that MTB run out to buy a nipple shield. After talking with the LC, I was confident that I would be able to feed the baby using the nipple shield. That lady even had me thinking that I wouldn’t have to supplement with formula starting with the very next feeding. Maybe I’m just really stupid, but I couldn’t get anything to work with that damn nipple shield. I think we confused the baby even more because then she couldn’t suck using the finger-feeding method either. We decided to try the bottle again and broke out the bottles we had gotten just in case. She managed to figure that out thanks to the low flow nipples, and we have made it through several feedings.
My day dreams of motherhood always included my baby looking up at me with a contented look on her face as I fed her. Since I gave birth, the only time this has ever happened is when I fed her formula with a bottle, and my heart melted. I have an appointment this afternoon with the LC, but I feel like we are headed toward formula/bottle feeding instead of the breast. Nursing shouldn’t be about pain and frustration, and that’s all she and I have known since she was born. Babies eat often, and it upsets both of us every single time. It’s not worth it, is it?
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Boob failure
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21 comments:
I think this is where the lactation books do a disservice to breastfeeding. Learning to breastfeed is a new skill for both baby and mom... there will be times of pain and frustration and crying on both parts.
The other thing that is missing from all the books is the COMPLETE roller coaster of those first few weeks. The lows are so low and the highs are so high. Everything seems to change based on how things are going with the baby.
That said, it is your choice. You can bottlefeed with love. There is nothing wrong with giving a baby formula, and I say that as a woman who fed both her babies formula. No one but you and MTB have the right to make the decision about what is best for your family. You need to do what is best for everyone.
I've been down that path with weight loss on a baby and it is scary. Alex lost 10 oz overnight... on top of his other normal newborn weight loss. He dropped down to 5 lbs and his skin was hanging off his tiny body. Those were some of the darkest times of the early days, all that worry and being scared. All I wanted was for him to eat, no matter what it was.
Hang in there!
No mommy guilt. It will come at you from every direction forever probably. You do what you need for your family. We all struggle in our own areas, and we have to do what we can to feel good and care for ourselves and our children. You will make the right choices, just have confidence in yourself and try not to let the judgements from others (perceived or real) get to you. It is such a hard thing to, but it is everpresent in the Mommy world. Your baby will know that you love her and are a source of comfort and nourishment no matter if it is bottle or breast. I'd like to choke that nurse for you. What an insensitive turd. I am sorry you were treated so poorly, some people just suck. You do what makes you and your baby happy, healthy and content and all will fall into place. Remember, you know what is best. Good luck.
I just wanted to add that nursing is not easy, and it takes a lot of practice for mom and baby. It took my first son 6 weeks to finally get it. I thought of giving up so many times. I think I saw every LC there was. But he and I finally made it work. And I am so grateful that I stuck with it. It is not natural for a lot of woman. It was very frustrating and tiring. Once we both got it, it was great! I'm sorry that you are going thru this. On top of surgery I'm sure it is very hard. Have no guilt if you don't end up nursing, but please know that it can take a while to get the hang of it. I hope it works out for you. Good luck! Katie
I had more thoughts on this after taking the boys to school!
THe one thing I wish someone had told me in those early days struggling with breastfeeding is that it doesn't have to be 100% either way. You don't have to 100% breastfeed or 100% formula feed. Recovering from a c-section is a lot tougher than most people realize, and you may need to give your body a rest for the next few days and relieve some of the stress of your daughter losing so much weight.
You can continue pumping and trying 1-2 feedings a day. You don't have to try 8-10 times a day and go through this horrible mess of emotions over and over. Maybe you will get it to work, maybe you won't. Maybe you will find it worth it, maybe you won't. But don't think of it as - well I tried and it didn't work therefore that is the end.
I found I just needed one really good latch and all of a sudden, I felt like I could do it just fine (with Nate). But up until that point, I was convinced it was never going to work.
Anyway, not every feeding needs to be at the breast if you want breastfeeding to work.
And again, I COMPLETELY support your decision to formula feed if you want to do it. I just really wish someone had been there to say-
Hey, you just had your stomach cut open. Maybe you need to take care of yourself for a little bit!
Hey, every feed does not need to be at the breast. Try breastfeeding when you are well-rested and feeling good. 3AM is not a good time to try something that is going to make everyone cry. In the meantime, try pumping to keep things flowing.
(Also, have the LC watch you pump, if possible. Turns out the flange openings were too small for my nipples, causing me excruciating pain while pumping. An LC saw it and knew what the problem was. Who knew they made flanges in different sizes??)
I could have written this myself - I went through the EXACT same thing with Claire. I had the head LC at Presby Dallas and also worked with an independent LC, and I just had a baby who couldn't latch on. We tried the nipple shield during the LC appointment at our house, and she only took in about 1/2 an ounce over 30 - 40 minutes, and this was when she was at least 1-2 weeks old. Obviously wasn't going to cut it.
I'm very familiar with the disappointment & frustration you're feeling and the guilt at not being able to get it to work. I cried multiple times a day for two weeks as I tried to get breastfeeding to work, and we finally decided it wasn't worth it. Once I made the decision, I immediately felt better and still got in my cuddle time as I fed her with a bottle.
Something our pedi told us was that if she could get a couple of ounces a day for her first six weeks, she would still get all of the antibodies and related benefits of breast milk. So, I pumped - A LOT - for several weeks and built up a stash, so we were able to give her at least one full bottle of breastmilk every day. It was tiring, and I don't know if I would do it again, but Claire is really healthy and rarely sick, even as a forumla fed day care baby. :)
I'm sorry you're going through this. To answer the question at the end of your post, in my mind, it's not worth it. It's easier to enjoy your time with your newborn if you're not upset every time you feed her. Praying for you as you figure out what to do - it's tough.
I can't tell you if the pain will be worth it for you, but it has been for me. We started out supplementing with formula from birth because of the babies low birth weights. But I also nursed and pumped. Then we were side tracked by my little hospital stay. I think it took a good two or three weeks to get back on track to where I wasn't screaming and cursing in pain every time one of them latched on. And it took a good two or three weeks before they were both able to figure out how to latch again. We just kept at it. I wanted to quit every single feeding.
But now it doesn't hurt anymore (lanolin helps, but I think it is really just a time thing as your nipples get used to it and they get better at latching) and they will latch just fine (outside of other issues like reflux). We still supplement with formula overnight and they usually take a bottle of pumped milk right after nursing because they won't nurse that long. But it is still worth it for me being able to look down and see how content they are being nourished by my body.
Regardless, everyone is different and there just shouldn't be any guilt from not being able to breast feed-either from a nurse or from yourself. I'm so sorry you had such a horrible experience with the nurses/LC in the hospital. I hope that the LC you are meeting with now is more supportive no matter what you decide to do.
Ugh, this sounds awful! I had a horrible miserable start to breastfeeding too, but for other reasons. I was *this close* to formula, but managed to make it work and then it finally got better. I hope you are able to make it work, but I know exactly how you feel and you don't want to miss/hate these first precious days and weeks of your daughter's life! You'll make the right choice - hang in there!
I've been there, too! I agree with what everyone has already said, and I fully support the decision to formula-feed. I probably should NOT have stuck with the pumping and trying to BF with JTC. I was miserable for 5 weeks. 10-12 times a day for 5 weeks.
I think some women/baby combos just don't have trouble with it, but I've read and experienced this same story over and over again.
Looking for encouragement? It gets so much better. It won't hurt like that for long.
Looking for permission to ff? You got it.
Call me if you want to chat.
This sounds just awful and something I am already having nightmares about. I have zero advice obviously, as this is such a LEARNED experience that only you can figure out for yourself, but I will say to hang in there and don't beat yourself up over anything related to this topic. You have to do whatever is best for your precious baby girl and I know you will. ;)
*hugs*
Also... I have a friend in Rowlett that was active in the LLL over there. Let me know if you want me to e-mail her for a contact.
Breastfeeding was by FAR the hardest and most frustrating part for me! Finally after a few weeks I changed to exculsively pumping and while someitimes it did take more time it worked well for us. I think the key is do what works best for you! I tried to do everything "by the book" at first and ended up getting so frustrated! The bottle thing is great because in the night MTB can take a shift and you guys can trade off! I loved that aspect! In the end go with what works and is most comfortable for you! It really is a small thing in the grand scheme but I know how it feels when you want to and can't! When I look back I realized I spent some many of Sutt's first few days frustrated when I should have just enjoyed it, so just enjoy this awesome time and if you do the bottle, do the bottle!!! Let me know when you are up for visitors and if you need a break I would love to babysit if you want to get out, even if its just to Target!!! :)
I had the same issues. I mean from start to finish. I was miserable, Josh was miserable. I ended up pumping every 2 hours for 6 weeks and then bottle feeding it to him. I realized that I was miserable and exhausted and missing out on all of the best moments of the start of his little life. So, I switched to formula. I never looked back.
I hope that you find some peace, whatever your decision is; and that you can get some really, really good rest!
I too had a similarly horrible experience with breastfeeding. Heinous nurses making me feel guilty and inadequate, not to mention the pain! I just wanted to echo LauraC's comment about not having to be 100% either way. Lana did not latch on well enough and after trying and failing and finger feeding, etc, I pumped and bottle fed exclusively for 3 months. I never had enough milk, so I supplemented with formula. After 3 months, in the middle of the night totally randomly, Lana latched on for the first time for a full feeding. She would only breastfeed in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning. The rest of her feedings were pumped breastmilk supplemented with formula when my supply was short. I was always abotu 6-8oz short per day. We continued like this until I weaned at a year. While I would have loved to breastfeed exclusively, it didn't happen. You can still bong with your baby with the bottle and if you have any tolerance for that pump, you can give her breastmilk. Formula is uber convenient too and don't give yourself guilt about it! The first few weeks are such an up and down. You are not failing your baby and it will take some time for all three of you to get to know one another. Congratulations again!
Bobbie - Agree with all of the above. Do what is right for you. Breastfeeding is very hard. Give it more time but don't stress about it. Your baby will be fine either way. Let me know if you need anything. Take care and congratulations!
Wow, I guess we all struggled in the begining and honestly, all of our babies turned out just fine no matter which direction we chose to go.
My only advice is to try to realize just how quickly these precious newborn moments fly bye...don't waste them on being miserable thinking you failed your baby. Concentrate on keeping her snuggly warm, loved and content. That's all she wants right now and giving it to her will not only forge an amazing bond between you both, but will also make memories that will stay with you for a lifetime.
Afterall, does anyting else really matter?
Save your worries for when she's two and she refuses to eat anything but 2 raisins and a cookie or when she's 4 and all she wants is happy meals and chocolate milk and you worry she's going to be overweight. Or when she's 12 and is addicted to soda that is rotting her teeth out!! (wink)
By far the one on here with the least amount of experience and knowledge so I will just send hugs and say that I hope you are able to find a way that makes you both happy. I can only imagine how hard this is, but I know without a doubt that you are giving it your all. I was 100% formula fed and like to think I turned out alright - most days anyway. (-;
Hugs hun.
I feel for you and your boobs. Sounds like you got a lot of good advice from all the ladys. I hope things start looking up for soon.
I feel for you, I’ve been in your shoes. You are a great mom for trying so hard for your daughter. Don’t kill yourself over it. If you feel you need to stop, then try to remember that your daughter will be just fine with formula. A wise woman once told me when I was struggling to breastfeed after another bout of mastitis – “A healthy happy mom means a healthy happy baby.” If you are sick and miserable and exhausted from trying to breastfeed, that does not necessarily mean that breast is best for your baby in your situation. And if you continue, then way to go, Mom! But regardless, you are a great mother and your daughter is lucky to have you. Sending lots of hugs your way.
Hug!!! I am not having a bad time but it isnt much fun. The first two weeks were my worst. Just that round the clock schedule was killing me! Good luck!
I was hoping I could be added into your new blog! I have followed you along and would love to see how it is going for you all!
So exciting. I found you through Laura's blog.
Take care,
Cathy
I just found your blog...
My son who is 3 months yesterday and I had the same issue. He kept losing weight but I refused to give up on nursing. It was constant stress. I was breastfeeding every two hours and then double pumping for 15 minutes afterwards. I felt like I ALWAYS had something attached to my boobs! Finally I gave in and he is now *gasp* a formula fed baby.
I can't tell you how much more we both enjoy our day together. No more stress about is he getting enough, do I need to wake him up and eat, is he gaining weight, etc.
I did morn the loss of breastfeeding my baby. That was all I talked about during my pregnancy. But it just didn't work out for Samuel and I. And I am okay with that. We bond in a hundred other different ways just as you and your daughter will.
Good Luck!
Shannon
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