A new year

Today is my day for reflection. I didn't realize how much my demeanor had changed since this day last year, and then yesterday I found a notebook in my old computer backpack. Looking for an extra page to make my shopping list for our New Year’s dinner, I pulled out a notebook that I had used during busy season 2008 – one year ago. Strangely, my notes from various meetings with my former client are co-mingled with notes from discussions with my RE. On one page, I noted some inventory costing issues in the company’s French location alongside my results from the Clomid challenge test. Another page includes notes about the company’s compensating controls as well as thoughts on what was initially presumed to be fluid in my right fallopian tube. It seems strange to me now to see my professional life juxtaposed with my personal life in such a manner, but that’s the way it was for me a year ago. I tried to do a good job at work while holding it all together, but in the end, others had a different point of view, and I was told that I didn’t smile enough. Looking through those pages, I was instantly transported back to that time, and I recognized the sheer desperation I felt. The joy and hope that MTB and I experienced during the first few months after we decided to start our family had dissolved into desperation by January of last year. We were in Hardy on New Year’s Day 2008, and I woke up early to take a home pregnancy test. The pain of losing our first baby was still raw, and I just wanted to be pregnant again. I looked back at the post I wrote at the time (that has now been archived to a Word document), and the desperation is obvious, and today I can still feel the disappointment of the negative test mocking me at 5 in the morning. Forgive me if I didn’t smile enough during that busy season. We met with an RE for the first time on January 2, and we continued our journey. Five months later, after 2 rounds of Clomid, an IUI, and an IVF, we were lucky enough to get pregnant again.

In the months since, my life has changed. My priorities have changed. My goals have changed. My relationship with my husband has changed. Everything has changed. I ended 2008 with tremendous hope, and I look forward to 2009. It is the year that MTB and I will meet our daughter, and as I feel her wriggling in my tummy, I am hopeful that she will be healthy and happy. I hope that our friends and family continue to enjoy good health and prosperity. I hope that each of my bloggy friends realize their dreams of motherhood. Thanks to each of you who offered your kindness, prayers and support as MTB and I continued our quest for a family. The past 12 months has been incredibly hard and emotional, and having an outlet to share with other women, who sadly shared the same experiences, has been invaluable. It’s difficult to find such connections in real life, and this community of beautiful and giving women is amazing. Thanks to all and Happy New Year.