Boob failure

Without question, breastfeeding has been the most surprising, painful and disappointing aspect of becoming a new mom. I attempted to nurse within an hour of the c/section, and she seemed to do well. I knew that it would be a while before my supply came in, and it turns out that it was longer than I had thought. Each of the baby-nurses at the hospital were helpful even if they sometimes offered conflicting advice. Me, the ever modest person, was often seen naked from the waist up trying to nourish my daughter during her first days of life. It wasn’t uncommon for the lactation consultant and MTB to massage, pull, tug, and pinch my breasts while the baby nursed and my mother and yet another nurse watched. At one point, the lactation consultant scraped my breasts with a plastic spoon gathering the tiniest amounts of colostrum to feed the baby. It was crazy, and it was painful. Friday night, MTB let my mother stay in the hospital with me while he went home to get some much needed rest. Everyone kept telling me that this was normal, and that everything was okay. Saturday morning, after another night when I was unable to satisfy the baby and she cried for hours, I asked to supplement with formula. The baby-nurse supported my decision, but as she left the room to get the bottle and formula, she asked if I preferred Similac or Enfamil, and since both are crap so it really didn’t matter. Talk about guilt? This was just one more thing that I had failed to do as I wanted, but now I was failing my daughter with my inadequacies.

The bottles at the hospital have nipples with a flow that could choke an experienced wino, and the baby didn’t tolerate the bottle well. She choked up as much up as she kept down, so the lactation consultant showed MTB and me how to finger-feed the baby using a syringe and tube, which worked great since it allowed us to feed any amount of colostrum/milk that I managed to pump in addition to the formula. I wanted the baby to associate me with nourishment so I never allowed anyone else to feed her, and it takes both me and MTB to feed her using this method. The syringe also only holds 10 mLs, and she was eating 60 mLs every 3 hours, which means that it took forever to get through the feedings. This was not going to be a long term solution.

We were discharged on Sunday with orders from the pedi to feed as much into the baby as possible to stop weight loss. All babies lose weight, and mine lost 11 ounces (or 10% of her birth weight), and he was concerned. At that point, my breasts were so sore, raw and red, that it hurt to breathe much less try to nurse. I managed to pump, but only on the lowest settings and for no more than 10-15 minutes at a time. Sunday evening, my milk started to come in, and as of Tuesday morning when I write this, I’ve managed to pump just over an ounce. That’s 1 ounce in 36 hours – not enough to feed a baby who has trouble keeping up her weight by any means. Monday afternoon, I got in touch with a local lactation consultant, and she suggested that MTB run out to buy a nipple shield. After talking with the LC, I was confident that I would be able to feed the baby using the nipple shield. That lady even had me thinking that I wouldn’t have to supplement with formula starting with the very next feeding. Maybe I’m just really stupid, but I couldn’t get anything to work with that damn nipple shield. I think we confused the baby even more because then she couldn’t suck using the finger-feeding method either. We decided to try the bottle again and broke out the bottles we had gotten just in case. She managed to figure that out thanks to the low flow nipples, and we have made it through several feedings.

My day dreams of motherhood always included my baby looking up at me with a contented look on her face as I fed her. Since I gave birth, the only time this has ever happened is when I fed her formula with a bottle, and my heart melted. I have an appointment this afternoon with the LC, but I feel like we are headed toward formula/bottle feeding instead of the breast. Nursing shouldn’t be about pain and frustration, and that’s all she and I have known since she was born. Babies eat often, and it upsets both of us every single time. It’s not worth it, is it?

Welcome Baby!

Our daughter arrived via c/section on January 28, 2009 at 5:44 in the evening. She weighed 7 pounds (so much for the peri's estimate of 7 pounds, 11 ounces a week ago) and she was 19 3/4 inches. During the c/section, OB discovered that she was breech, low on fluid, and wedged in there. He said that going with the planned c/section was the best thing we could have done. When questioned, he also said that she is the prettiest baby he has ever seen. (He is one smart cookie, that OB.) The past 3 days have flown by, and I have no idea where they went. There is so much that I want to write down so that I can remember, but it will all have to wait for now. Thanks to everyone for your well wishes and good vibes!

Is today the day?

During the past few weeks, my fears and worries have crescendoed, and the stress has caused a few tears from time to time. I’m not afraid of the surgery, but I am afraid. It was 482 days ago that I checked into this same hospital for the D&C. I remember laying on my left side facing MTB when my doctor entered the small room, walked over to the right side of the bed, leaned over me, and with the biggest smile, he asked how I was doing. I remember looking at him in disbelief at such a stupid question and turning back toward MTB without answering. Assuming everything goes as planned, today is the day that MTB and I realize our dream that took such a hit more than a year ago.

It’s hard to fathom what is coming even though I know logistically what will happen. We will be in the same hospital with the same doctor. I will sign some forms. I will change into the gown. I will get the epidural. The surgery will begin, and I will hear my daughter’s first cry. After 482 days, I am ready to feel the emotions that I have tried hard to push to the side. At each milestone throughout this pregnancy, I have felt unbelievable joy, and at the same time, I have unconsciously and sometimes consciously tried to keep my mind from wandering too far from the reality of the moment. With my first pregnancy, we saw a positive pregnancy test at 4 weeks. We saw the baby and heard the heartbeat 2 weeks later, and I walked around for 6 weeks believing the baby was still growing. During that time, I had already fully realized the little life who would join us. I felt that life would be our son, and I allowed myself to see him in my dreams and imagination. I could see his sweet little face, his red hair, and his brown eyes. I could feel him in my arms as an infant, and I imagined him growing into an energetic toddler. I imagined so much of him that when we were told that there was no heartbeat, a part of me died with him.

It has been 247 days since MTB and I first discovered that IVF worked, and since that day, the experiences of early October 2007 have tinged virtually every emotion. When we saw the tiniest flicker of our baby’s heartbeat, when we heard it for the first time, when we discovered our baby is our daughter, when I felt her move for the first time… we celebrated everything, but always with a tinge of caution. MTB and I have prepared our home and our lives for this little miracle who will join us today, but in all this time, I have never imagined seeing her face, and I have never imagined feeling her in my arms. In many ways perhaps it’s better that I didn't, because today, in just a few hours, I hope to hold my baby girl, look into her sweet little face, and finally feel everything again - for real this time.

Horse shoes and hand grenades

How much credit should I give MTB for his prediction of our daughter’s birthday? Today is the day according to MTB way back on Oct 15 when he predicted that ChooChoo would be born on January 27th. Over Thanksgiving, he even made a bet with someone that her birthday would be today. Last week when we made the appointment, MTB asked if there were any available for today. (No, there were not.) I think in the grand scheme of things, he is pretty darn close, and he deserves major kudos.

One. More. Day.

Side note: Ah yes, remember when I mentioned that I am known for saying things that can be taken the wrong way? Yesterday, I wrote, "I had expected some flaming..." I reread that this morning and cringed because I meant that I had expected potential flaming from the lurking community. I would never expect that from those who regularly comment.... you are all too kind.

More randomness

Thanks to everyone for keeping your comments overwhelmingly positive on Friday’s post. I had expected some flaming and got none. Zero. Bupkis. I appreciate it.

There are a few more things that I wanted to record here to remember this experience before it’s all over, so here goes…

• During the third trimester, I suddenly have dozens of new freckle-like moles on my neck and back. Although perfectly normal in pregnancy, OB says let’s see if they go away after the baby is born, and then I should consider seeing a dermatologist. After a childhood spent at the pool every summer sporting countless, sunscreenless sunburns, this makes me wonder. OB says sometimes you just have to play the odds on these things.
• For a few months, I’ve experienced sometimes severe pain in the groin area. I thought it was just part of the fun and never bothered to ask OB about it. Through the board I read, I found out that it actually has a name - symphysis pubis disorder. For some reason, the pain is always worst when I’ve been in one position for any length of time… like when I’m asleep. So turning over in bed is hell. It really hurts. And I’ve also decided that this is the biggest reason for the waddle discussed earlier.
• Since complaining about the lack of sleep a week or two ago and getting some suggestions from OB, it has gotten better. I decided to go to the Tylenol PM route and I take 1 pill every evening. It doesn’t make me fall sleep as MTB and I can talk for more than an hour after I take one, but it does seem to help me sleep better for up to 5 hours a night, and I’m even dreaming again. Lovin’ it!
• Speaking of dreaming, I had a dream last night that I had the baby at home somehow without pain or gore – just there she was all of a sudden. She even breastfed easily. In the dream, I kept trying to figure out how to get her back in so I could go in for the c/section on Wednesday. For some reason, I didn’t want to disappoint OB and show up at the hospital no longer pregnant.
• I think I may have overdone the nesting yesterday with all the mopping. We have a ton of tile in the house, and it just seemed impossible to let it go one more day without getting a good cleaning. Not only did my hips hurt horribly afterwards, MTB actually had the nerve to come in the house and complain about the smell since I mop the floors with a mixture of vinegar and water (so economical and environmentally friendly – besides, it doesn’t leave a residue like regular cleanser that just makes things sticky and more dirty next time).
• I bought a new robe to wear in the hospital. It’s a long furry blue thing, and I bought it more for coverage and comfort versus anything else. I brought it home and modeled it over my clothes for MTB who made a certain face when I turned sideways. When I asked about the robe accentuating my belly, he said, “It’s not slimming.”
• I love seeing the excitement in MTB’s eyes when he touches my belly. I know the excitement will be different after the baby is born, but sharing the anticipation with him makes me fall in love with him again and again.
  

I’m sure there will be a few things I will miss about being pregnant with the most obvious just feeling the baby move around in my tummy, but at this point, it’s impossible to really know what I might miss. I know for sure there are things that I am so looking forward to enjoying again: 1) Coffee – I gave it up in March when we did the IUI cycle, and I’ve not had a drop since then. I miss Starbucks, although we are probably much better off financially since foregoing the daily $4 coffees. 2) I desperately want an Ahi Tower from Blue Fish. Mmmmmm, I can’t wait to have some sushi again. 3) Wearing something other than the same 4 or 5 maternity outfits. I decided that since I wasn’t working, fashion monotony probably wasn’t going to be a huge issue, and I didn’t feel like investing in clothes that are just so darn ugly. 4) Sleeping my back! I’ve always slept on both sides and my back, and I miss that relaxing stretch that can only be experienced flat on the back.

Two. More. Days.

The slippery slope

There is always a lot of talk about the slippery slope of progressive intervention once you commit to the first one. First you get induced, then you submit to some drugs, then you get the epidural, and then before you know it - c/section. Once you agree to or ask for one thing... it's just a hop, skip and a jump to c/section, which seems to be the worst case scenario according to many ladies. I know I'm supposed to want a vaginal birth, and I know I'm supposed to think of natural child birth as the ultimate expression of my femininity. Instead, I view the birth experience as a means to an end. Being pregnant and having a baby isn't about the actual birth, but rather, it's an event in this journey to motherhood. I look forward to the lifelong bond with my child and nurturing her growth into a fabulous human being - not just how she gets here.

All along, one of my worst fears has been laboring for 36 hours (or some loooong period of time) only to end up getting a c/section. I know it's not genetic, but my mother and my sister labored forever. Back in the day, they rarely did did c/sections at all, and my mother had both my sister and me after several days of painful contractions. As she explains it, there was something wrong with her hips that would not allow her to dilate properly. Her doctor even wanted to break my collar bone in order to get me out, but my mother declined. (Thanks, Mom!) After I was born, she was advised to avoid getting pregnant again because it could kill her next time. My sister experienced heavy pains for more than 30 hours and never fully effaced and never dilated past 2 or 3 cm. I think she effaced to some point, and then her cervix began to swell (or something like that), and she ended up with a c/section. So all that said, I am not afraid of a c/section - there are worse alternatives.

At my Wednesday prenatal visit, OB insisted on my first internal exam. Despite my desire to skip it altogether, he needed to know if I should check into the hospital on Tuesday evening to allow time to ripen my cervix or if I could show up first thing Wednesday morning for the induction. As he completed the exam, he said, "You'll not be induced." The baby has not engaged, and she is still happy to hang out amongst my ribs. It seems that OB couldn't find my cervix, although I'm sure it was there somewhere, he did make that comment. All that said, he wanted the perinatologist's opinion on the baby's position, which we got today. The baby is head down, but she is nowhere near my pelvis and my cervix is long and closed (glad you learned that?). OB and peri are in agreement that I should not be allowed to go past 39 weeks due to my high blood pressure, and both are in agreement that if I were induced, chances are I would labor for many hours, the baby would likely never drop, and I would end up with a c/section or a forceps assisted delivery. In terms of stress on me and the baby, the peri suggested that a normal vaginal birth is best with a scheduled c/section coming in a very close second. A long labor ending in a c/section is a distant third, and a forceps assisted delivery is last.

My OB and the perinatologist suggested that we schedule a c/section in order to get the baby out safely with the least amount of stress to me and the baby. MTB and I agreed with the advice given, and we have scheduled a c/section for Wednesday at 5:30 pm. We made the appointment a few days ago, but it wasn't final until we met with the peri this afternoon. Surgery at 5:30 in the evening seems a little strange, but this hospital does 7 scheduled c/sections a day, and we actually got the last appointment available for the week.

I understand this is considered major surgery. I understand that there are risks. I understand that there is a lot more to the recovery. I understand that this is not the ideal situation for all women. But this is what MTB and I have decided is best for our baby and for us. Please, don't judge me.

38w1d

MTB and I went to visit with the OB yesterday, and all is well with the baby. I'm back up 1 pound since last week, blood pressure is down slightly, and I forgot to look at the fundal height. The GBS test and the blood work from two weeks ago came back negative.

When the nurse took us to the exam room, she informed me that this was a pants-off exam, and when I asked if we could skip the internal, she explained in no uncertain terms that my pants were coming off today. Now, some of the women on the board I read really look forward to the internal because it gives them some measure of progress, but since I have been given a birthdate, I don't feel the same pressure to have the OB check me, and I was taught to keep my knees together, thank you very much. When my OB came in, I asked if we really had to do the internal, and he said no. Whew! So we got through the whole exam, and I asked about the induction, which apparently he had forgotten. Suddenly, we were back to discussing an internal, and he explained that he wanted to know where and how my cervix was doing so he would know if I needed to come in on Tuesday evening or Wednesday morning for the induction. I thought my logic of no progress today doesn't mean much in the 'things could happen in a matter of few hours' reality of child birth was pretty airtight. He said, "Uh-huh. Feet together, knees apart, please." When he said it's not that bad, I asked, "How would you know?" He replied, "I've been checked, and I'm not dilated at all." Funny, funny OB. He then proceeded to tickle my ribs through my girly bits trying to find my cervix. I'm sure the internal exam wasn't as bad as all this, but it sure seemed that way.

After the appointment, I went hunting for a baby book. I had long ago decided to forgo a baby book altogether, but MTB feels strongly that he would like for us to work on one together, which means that he wants me to keep one. Fine. I decided that perhaps I could get away with a scrapbook type baby book rather than the traditional, store bought baby book. That way, I could add the pages and information that I want to keep instead of being on the hook to record the preprinted information in the typical book. No such luck, and I came home baby bookless.

I also stopped by the mall and Jacadi. Can I just say that I love Jacadi? I don't think I would ever buy anything in there at full price, but they had an awesome sale going. The clothes are just too cute, and this little girl has one more outfit. And by the way, all the ladies who work at Willow Bend Mall must be trained to kiss some major booty. The sales ladies in every baby store asked me when I was due. When I told them, each of them remarked that they would never have guessed I was so close, and I look great! I love all the booty kissing especially while lugging around this belly, sweating just a little, and having slightly peed my pants. I may go back again tomorrow.

My friend

Jodi is having her baby girl today!!! As an experienced mommy, she has been an invaluable resource for me, and she is always willing to answer any questions I have - no matter how personal or silly. Jodi also understands firsthand the worries and fears that are part of any pregnancy after miscarriage, and she has been a tremendous support in that regard as well.


Good luck today, Jodi! I can't wait to see pics of your beautiful baby girl!

Today - January 20, 2009

If I were not 38 weeks pregnant, I would like to be in Washington DC celebrating this amazing day and the dawn of renewed hope for our country with 2 million others. Instead, I am watching the images from the warmth of my living room with a cup of hot chocolate. I hope the joy and unity exhibited by those on the Mall this morning is felt by all Americans today, and I hope these feelings continue during the days, months, and years ahead. It is a magnificent day.

Car seat success

It took a few tries, but we did it! We installed the car seat this weekend. My father in law flew in to help MTB work on his old paperweight/bookcase (a.k.a. the Chevelle), and I thought the weekend was lost for any of my honey-do items. Imagine my surprise when MTB suggested we install the car seat. I'll just say that the technical writing that comes with most instruction manuals must be written by monkeys who speak English as a second language because they rarely make sense, and the instructions included with the car seat were no exception. Of course, after we figured it out, it seemed obvious. Then we attempted to figure out the 5-point harness system, and again, it took us a few tries to get it right. Ultimately, we took the harness system on a trial run with Mr. Bear, and all seemed to work logically. MTB was certainly proud of our success.


There are a few things here and there that need to be done, including getting the car seat inspected by someone who knows what he is doing, but I think we may just about be ready for this little girl to make her appearance. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like to have a real life infant in our home. And even more scary - I'm going to be responsible for her.

Only 9 more days!

37w2d

So tired. The full night's sleep I got a few days ago did not mark the start of a new trend. Last night, I went to bed at 11 and woke up at 1. Stayed awake and still awake at 5 in the afternoon. No naps. Ugh! Sooo tired right now.

OB appointment went well, and everything is on track. Lost a pound since last week, and fundus measures 37 cm. Blood pressure is still high, but it's not continuing to go up. They didn't have the results of the GBS test or the blood work from last Tuesday. Seems there was some mix-up at the lab, and they never sent the results over. And here's where I buried the lead, induction is set for January 28th. So, I have 12 days until I meet my little girl! I can't wait to hold her!

Throughout this pregnancy, my OB has commented that I've not complained about anything. I've asked about various things from time to time, but generally, it's just in the context of verifying what I've read in the books or online. I really have tried to keep the complaints to a minimum. Today, I prefaced everything by saying that I was prepared to complain about the lack of sleep, and then I complained. He explained that the ample progesterone flowing through a nine-months pregnant body can prevent REM sleep, and it causes a woman to wake after only a couple of hours and then prevents the body from going back to sleep. It can also lead to depression. He suggested a few things to try before moving onto anything hardcore and prescription-like. This better work. It's really taking a toll on my mental and physical well being and the baby's not even here yet!

The ultrasound was uneventful, which is fine by me. The fluid is excellent and there is nothing to be concerned about. The ultrasound today was first done by a tech I've never met before, and she was very nice. She guaranteed a cute baby, and she even showed me that the baby has hair!! So, it seems like heartburn = hair in my case. Let's see how much hair. After the tech, the doctor came in, and he said, again, we have a good lookin' kid in there. They didn't do any measurements this week, but they will next week when I go back for one more looksee.

So there you go.

Edited to add the coolest part of the ultrasound - I got to watch my baby hiccup! Her little head would jump and her face would squish up just a little bit. Too cute!!

Randomness

I don't have a lot to say these days. Just waiting for something to happen - no news is good news, no? In the meantime, this is what I have....

Earlier this week, I realized I went from being a total non-milk drinker prepregnancy to drinking something like a gallon and a half every week in the third trimester. Seriously, I cannot get enough of the white stuff (especially if sometimes it's hot and chocolate).

Within the past few weeks, I started feeling when the baby has hiccups. She may have had them before, but I never noticed or maybe it's because she's a little lower these days. Who knows, but it is the coolest feeling.

After months and months of sleeping about 3 hours in row followed by hours and hours of laying awake, I FINALLY got a full night's sleep Tuesday night. It was amazing... I went to bed at 11 and even waking up 3 or 4 times to go to the bathroom, I managed to fall right back to sleep, and I slept until 6:15. Ahh....

No matter how good you feel at dinner time, when you are 37 weeks pregnant, Pei Wei's 'Orange Peel Chicken' WILL come back to haunt you in the middle of the night. Even if you skip the extra, extra, spicy, hot sauce.

Maternity pants suck. Regardless of the rotundness of the belly, the elasticized band will not stay up. Half way through the day, it looks as if I'm carrying a full load in my diaper, and I'm not wearing a diaper. Nice.

I write my blog for me so that I can remember this experience, but I realize that this is also a public forum. If you made it through this entire post, bless you. I hope the next blog entry on your Google Reader is more interesting than this one.

Heart blog

Brenda gave me an 'I heart your blog' award and meme. Unrelated to this award, she is on my good vibes list as she prepares for her third IVF cycle, and she deserves your good vibes too. Say it with me, "Good luck, Brenda!"

The way this works is I answer the following questions with single word responses and pass it on:

1. Where is your cell phone? Charging

2. Where is your significant other? Sleeping

3. Your hair color? Auburn

4. Your mother? Happy

5. Your father? Jerk

6. Your favorite thing? Pajamas

7. Your dream last night? Forgotten

8. Your dream/goal? Baby

9. The room you're in? Den

10. Your hobby? Cooking

11. Your fear? Isolation

12. Where do you want to be in six years? Seattle

13. Where were you last night? Lowes

14. What you're not? Thin

15. One of your wish list items? Sleep

16. Where you grew up? Oklahoma

17. The last thing you did? Brushed

18. What are you wearing? Pajamas

19. Your T.V.? 'Gladiator'

20. Your pet? MTB's

21. Your computer? Appreciated

22. Your mood? Tired

23. Missing someone? Friends

24. Your car? un-TT

25. Something you're not wearing? Make-up

26. Favorite store? None

27. Your Summer? Hot

28. Love someone? Yes

29. Your favorite color? Yellow

30. When is the last time you laughed? Today

31. Last time you cried? Yesterday

She's gonna be a biggun!

First of all, I want to thank everyone for your thoughts and opinions on the whole pediatrician thing. We don't have it 100% figured out, but we are working on it. I also wanted to comment on the title of that particular post - "Pediatrician Nightmare." That sounds so dramatic and over the top, and I attribute it all to the fact that it was about 4 in the morning and I had been awake since about 1 am when I wrote it. I think the lack of sleep makes everything seem much more dramatic and over the top. I wish I had labeled it something more subdued like "Pediatrician Agony" or maybe anguish or catastrophe... something like that.

Now for the good stuff, Friday afternoon, MTB and I went for an ultrasound with the perinatologist, and our baby girl is doing great! He estimated her weight at 6 pounds, 11 ounces - HOLY COW!! Of course, the margin of error at this point is +/- 13 ounces, so she could be even bigger! Or smaller. According to doctor, she is in the 50th percentile in terms of weight, so she is definitely average, but still.... 6 pounds, 11 ounces! MTB and I got there a little early so we went up to the nursery before the appointment, and there was a brand new baby girl who weighed 6 pounds, 8 ounces. I told MTB we probably have a little girl that size in my tummy right now, and I was right.

The ultrasound went well, and the perinatologist said

• we have a "good lookin' baby;"
• she is still a girl;
• she is head down;
• there was no doubt about her movement since she kept kicking the wand;
• he wants to see me for a weekly ultrasound until she's born to monitor fluid (He didn't say anything else about that, and I was so focused on 6 pounds, 11 ounces, that it didn't occur to me to ask.);
• I should not be allowed to go to 40 weeks because of my high blood pressure;
• if she is not here on her own, I should be induced by the 39th week. (After 39 weeks, the risk goes up and the benefit goes down);
• he would not be concerned if she were to decide to make her appearance anytime now.

I'll talk to my regular OB about all this next week.

They also monitored the baby before the ultrasound. They have never done that before, and it was comforting to hear her heart beating so strongly. They wouldn't let MTB go back with me for the monitoring, so I was alone in the room with the boom, boom, boom of her heartbeat. As I lay there with the monitor strapped to my tummy, I felt very relaxed. I thought back to the time when we first saw the tiniest flicker of her heart at 6 weeks and the joy MTB and I shared at that moment. I thought back to when we heard her heartbeat for the first time when she was just 10 weeks, and MTB said it sounded like a train. We have been lucky enough to witness her heartbeat from its earliest beginnings, and for that, I am so thankful. I cannot wait to meet this amazing little miracle.

Pediatrician nightmare

MTB and I still need to decide on a pediatrician, but it’s not necessarily for lack of trying. Initially, we wanted to find one local so we wouldn’t have to make the drive into Dallas if something came up. There are three pediatricians who come highly recommended in our town, and two of them have already been crossed off the list as far as I’m concerned.

Dr. A has a very large practice, a very large staff, and it’s growing all the time. We met with him for a consult a few weeks ago, and I was not impressed. Our appointment was scheduled at the end of the day, and everyone was basically packing up to leave for the day when we arrived. The waiting room just seemed depressing to me not only because of the sad sailboat murals but because of the used tissue on the floor and the stains on several of the cloth covered chairs. After waiting about 25 minutes, Dr. A gave us a tour of his office – again, it just seemed very depressing. He had almost everything we were advised to look for – 24/7 phone access, separate waiting rooms for sick/well kids, lactation consultant on staff, and more. (I don't have my list of questions in front of me as I write this and I can't remember everything we are supposed to look for.) He and his staff are nice enough, and he seemed very eager to be our baby’s health care provider, but in the end, I didn’t feel especially comfortable with him. Strangely, he is also an adult cardiologist, and he owns a teen fitness center. Although he came highly recommended, one friend suggested that he never sees his patients himself and that you generally only see the nurses or the nurse practitioner. I don’t have a problem with the nurse practitioner being our care giver for the wellness visits, but I question how much he is available if our baby should get sick. Perhaps he’s just a little too entrepreneurial?

Dr. B was the most highly recommended of the group. Several of our friends in town use her, and MTB was most keen on her. I called the office to set up a consult, and I was told that Dr. B has been in practice for 24 years, and she doesn’t feel that she needs to do consults. Instead, I should leave my information and make an appointment after the baby is born. Instantly, I was turned off. Highly recommended or not, I would prefer to meet the doctor we plan to trust with our baby’s health. I want to see her office. I want to meet her staff. I want to ask her questions. Of course, she has a right to be paid for her time, and until we met with Dr. A, it never occurred to me that a pediatrician would do the consult for free, but Dr. B just doesn’t do consults – period. Consults are beneath her. I told the receptionist that I would prefer to meet the doctor before we decide on one; therefore, we will just go somewhere else. She apologized and hung up. MTB thinks that I am being too judgmental and that the recommendation of our friends should be enough, but I feel strongly that we should meet any potential pediatricians before we make a decision. He is of the opinion that we should just go with her, while I am not. I didn't like her flippant denial for a consult.

I haven’t even attempted to contact the third pediatrician, and I am strongly considering just finding someone I like in Dallas, but that would mean a minimum of a 30 minute drive with no traffic. MTB, on the other hand, feels that we should only consider a local doctor. He has suggested that my expectation for a consultation prior to making a decision is out of the ordinary in our small town, but to me, that justifies my thoughts that there just isn’t the level of professionalism and care available locally that I would prefer. Of course, I have never driven a sick baby to the pediatrician so perhaps the 30-60 minute drive would be much worse. I believe that babies who stay at home with mom get sick less often than those who attend day care, so how often would I have to make the drive with a sick baby? I have no idea…. I suppose it could depend a lot on the kid. One more thing, if our baby were to get seriously ill, and we had to admit her to the hospital (God forbid), she would likely go to Dallas anyway. It has been explained to us that the local hospitals just don't have a high level of children’s care, and local pediatricians usually send the kids to one of two hospitals in Dallas depending on what is wrong.

Less than four weeks to go, and I have no idea what to do.